Flush.

We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time.

When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip something on, some added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world, and often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness which, if not put down, diminishes our chances of joy.

It’s like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then, forgetting we chose to put them on, we complain that nothing feels quite real. Our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world but to unglove ourselves so that the doorknob feels cold and the car handle feels wet and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being, soft and unrepeatable.
— Mark Nepo
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What helped and helps (a list).

  1. "What a time to be alone" by Chidera Eggerue aka @theslumflower (book)

  2. Writing my morning and evening journal in 5 minute journal app

  3. Breathing techniques when I'm stressed or about to burst (try alternate nostril breathing, box breathing, and 4-7-8 breathing)

  4. Breathing techniques when I feel cold and sluggish and stagnant (try Kapalbhati – breath of fire)

  5. Crying when I feel like crying

  6. "Body positive power" by Megan Crabbe (book)

  7. Accepting that feelings and healing and traumas come and go in waves

  8. Getting rid of people that make me feel bad or hard to love

  9. Taking the time to do yoga when I feel a certain way

  10. Being honest about my feelings, even if that makes people pissed

  11. “The Intuitive Eating Workbook” by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch (book)

  12. Write down everything that’s shit when things are shit

  13. Taking time off social media and my phone (I use the forest app)

  14. Hiking in the mountains or forest at least once a week

  15. Working through my thought and mind traps, either with my therapist or with apps like Moodnotes

August.

People don’t get what they deserve, they get what the negotiate.
— Igbo proverb

August was full of tides and heat and contrasts. From lazy work days to seeing Kendrick Lamar in Oslo to mountain hikes to heart breaks. All refreshing and exhausting at the same time. I walked a lot; spoke for hours on the phone with my best bae. I got drunk in the middle of the day and got a sunburned scalp, wanted to punch people in the face, and still haven’t slept soundly (med free) for a full night since January.

And now, I’m tired. 2018 was supposed to be the year where I had fun, after five years of studying and constantly having a rabbit heart. I think I have forgotten how. The rabbit is still there, beating the beat of all the things I should have done and would have done if only I’d been better.

I am better. Better at saying no. Better at saying yes.
Better at telling people to fuck off. Better at saying sorry. And not saying sorry, when it’s not my fault.
Better at being tired. Better at being angry. Better at being sad.

I just need to learn to get better at all the good stuff as well.