I'm back in a creative rut and I don't know how to get out of it (as per usual). I watched this video by Sam Ravndahl (which I highly recommend) where she talks about her biggest flaw, and it was .. kind of like looking into a mirror and see the reflection talk. Which would be terrifying, but not when it's Sam. So I got inspired to write about this subject because it started a thought process I think I need/is necessary. This post will also hold a new record for the number of times the word "I" will be written. Sorry about that.
This is my very uplifting list about why I'm not happy:
- I don't feel like I'm doing enough with my life. I don't feel like I'm doing enough with my time. I don't understand why I'm so tired and unmotivated (note: it's my depression and I know that). I don't understand why I'm depressed. I feel like I'm always waiting for something.
- I'm lonely. I've lost most of my network in Bergen in a stunningly short amount of time. I'm not politically active anymore, I'm not volunteering anymore, my childhood friends have left the city, my uni friends have left the city, and most of my (once, let's be real) close friends have left the city.
- .. And I've been hanging around some not-so-cool people for a while, and it has left me feeling drained and sad and not wanting to see anyone. I've convinced myself that I'm an introvert and happier alone. Which is bullshit. I'm the most intensely extroverted person you'll probably ever meet. So now that I've realised that I've also realised point two. And it sucks.
- I'm horrible at giving myself credit for the things I do. Big goals I've accomplished, small goals I've accomplished, daily routines, workouts, taking care of myself. Every time I reach a goal the bar has been raised and I just .. don't feel any satisfaction from accomplishing it. None of the things I've done the past years (graduating, getting a good job, getting a better job, finding a beautiful apartment) felt fulfilling. It doesn't feel good, it feels like the bare minimum. My standard for myself is extremely high because I know I can do extremely good, and I feel like lowering it is me being a whiny bitch and not taking responsibility for my own life.
- My motivation shifts so often I don't know how to keep up with it without spreading myself too thin. One day I want to do AI and set up an extremely detailed plan on how to accomplish that. The next day I want to do 200kg deadlift and shift all my focus on how to accomplish that. The week after I'm pissed at myself for not keeping up with the plan I made last month on how to be good at drawing. And these are things I genuinely want to do and learn and fill my life with; things that come back around again and again, so I feel like I really should give them my time and dedication.
- I've become less creative, expressive and passionate than I used to be, without it being a change I actually wanted to happen. I used to be really insecure about internal shit: my feelings and morals and values, which I'm not anymore. But now I'm insecure about external things: my place in society, how I present myself, how I contribute, if I'm being too loud or ~over-sharing~ (I hate that term), which didn't worry me earlier at all. I miss my sass and walking barefoot and talking to strangers, at the same time those things aren't necessarily what comes naturally to me or what I want now.
I don't have a punchline to this or a solution. At a glance, it looks like a huge shitpile of cases where I just need to train my thoughts and recognise the negative stuff I'm telling myself. But I still don't feel it. I don't really feel like it's always that negative either. As I said about lowering the bar, I honestly don't think it will do me any good or make me feel better in the long term. One of the things that Sam mentioned in her video that really hit home was that she feels like she's being realistic – about what she wants to do and how and how fast. Maybe it's being too hard on yourself, but every alternative just feels like taking a poor and easy way out.
So that's my contribution to the "my biggest flaw" challenge (it's not a challenge). And I .. hope being aware of it is a good start for doing something about it. And thank you to Sam for opening up and starting this train of thought. Conversations about The Difficult Stuff is important.